I got punched in the face,
office cat fight,
using corporate email.
Alone at my desk
someone walked up and
punched me
right between the eyes.
Falling hard, breathless
pounding heart,
a panic attack no doubt
kept sanity not
punching back.
No black eye
No visible scars
Yet nothing will
ever be the same.
In the virtual world
the punches
still hurt as much
Only intoxicated can I
stand – alone – being alone
being just one where
there ought to be
more.
Only intoxication,
fumes evaporating
through my skin
can keep the numbness
at the proverbial bay.
Only toxic thoughts
the pinball game
inside my head,
a perpetual dream of
never
ending
horrors.
my friends this night – fruit flies
my wine – their ultimate desire
my wholesome lifestyle – to copy no doubt
their buzzing around – annoying as f*
I remember grass
the softness on the sole of my feet
I remember not
the childhood
ending
I think my fear of exposing my weaknesses, my hesitance to explicitness, ultimately hampers my progress as a writer. It consequently prevents you from understanding my message, thus wasting a life conceivable, your and mine; both
my heart is beating faster than normal
I am staring into the screen, scrolling up and down a
document; a specification of some kind,
click-click – a paragraph highlighted
click – highlight gone
click-click; click
scroll up – scroll down
my heart is beating faster
click
I cannot show it affecting me
click
scroll
click-click
scroll
It must have been about an hour later I realised I could no longer breath…
I have to go now – flight mode on
I stood up, turned left and walked out the office. I did not shed any tears but only because I filled my head with the mantra “there is a bottle of red waiting”, that kept me going. I cannot recall how I got home but I suspect the usual route was taken. The decision of what to do next was fast approaching.
I am killing the baby again
throwing out the bath water and with it
my remaining hope of happiness.
I am drowning myself again
uncorking and refilling the bath tub
with a 2015 Bordeaux, a decent year.
I am almost in tears again
failing once more to remain balanced
in the knowing I was right.
I am lost again
no longer in control
of tomorrow,
I fear.
