Author name: Hayden Veil

listing-to-port:

1. Ask at your local establishment for The Man. The Man moves about a lot, but without asking you will never know if he is in your area or not.

2. Ask anyone for the moon on a stick. You are unlikely to get the moon, but you may get a very serviceable stick, which is useful if you know that The Man is around. Additionally if you gather enough of them you can build a house of sticks, which is a much better way of getting a wolf come to your house than simply having a moon.

3. Ask the rain for its bespoke service. You may be able to get your own personal rainbow. Big rainclouds often have excess stock of rainbows, sundogs and other meteorological phenomena which are costly to store; they can be easily persuaded to offload some onto you. Be warned that they may throw in some extra-large hailstones as well, and wear a helmet if practicable.

4. Ask at any ice-cream van for the big ice-cream. The seller may try and fob you off with smaller ones; be insistent. You may have noticed that ice-cream vans have a subtle flap at the back which you will almost never see open. This flap is for dispensing the big icecream. You should bring along a wheelbarrow to catch it, or it may roll down the beach, injuring small children along the way, and end up grimly melting in the sea.

5. Several well-known fast-food restaurants have an occult menu. You can identify these establishments by a discreet smear of sauce on the upper right-hand corner of the standard menu. If you see it, feel free to ask! The occult menu is usually served in that room round the back and may feature esoteric delights such as zombie steak, orgone-infused tentacle and the dark in a bun.

6. Ask a tree for its autograph. It cannot say no, and in future times when we know everything the details may come out about its amazing past, at which point the autograph may be worth a mars bar or two.

7. Ask a stranger for the time. You see, interesting story, someone has stolen the time – not all of it, obviously, but about fifty thousand years – but under the terms of the agreement they made with the keykeeper they have to give it up if asked. So there’s a small chance the stranger could be the thief and even if you’re not sure where you’d store fifty thousand years it’s a useful thing to have.

8. Ask for a basement seat on the bus. Never noticed the stairs down? That’s because they are kept under a hatch to avoid alarming people who are concerned about things like continuity of space and the need for the bottom of the bus to be above rather than below the surface of the road. But for those in the know a trip in the bus basement is a fascinating experience, allowing you to peek into all sorts of sewers, vaults and cellars you would otherwise be unaware of.

9. Ask the doorkeeper for a paradox rather than a riddle. You may be able to induce the door into an infinite loop, allowing you passage to somewhere quite different.

10. Got a wolf at your house? Got a wind turbine? By now, you should know what to do.