1. Only proper writers should write. Only proper artists should make art. Only proper singers should sing. And so on and so forth. Make sure to find a definition of ‘proper’ that excludes you, so that you have to stop. You can propagate this idea by telling others that yes, you are a little bitter, but you know that it was for the best.
2. It doesn’t look very far on the map, you can totally walk. So the temperature is a little different and there may not actually be a path and you’re not sure quite what the stuff marked on the map round there actually means and you may be a little jetlagged by that point, so what?
3. Sometimes the truth hurts. Therefore obviously if something hurts, it must be true. It being possible to find almost any opinion on the internet if you look hard enough, you should show your commitment to the truth by seeking out whatever hurts most and affording it special time and attention.
4. The best cure for unrequited love is to just do what that guy did in that romantic comedy to win the heart of the girl who didn’t seem so into him. That will totally work.
5. Show you are a good-natured, easy to get on with person by not having wants, boundaries or negative emotions. The best people are never upset or angry about anything.
6. Show your commitment to equality by inviting everyone to everything. In particular, you should always strive to invite equal numbers of people who like quiet activities and those who prefer loud ones, people you have been warned about and the people who warned you about them, and those who have had a bad breakup and their exes.
7. If someone asks politely for something, you should give it to them, no matter what it is.
8. When someone is trying something for the first time it is important to be completely appreciative and supportive of their efforts, to not criticise and, if the activity just so happens to be barbecuing chicken, to eat the pink bits and cross your fingers.
