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and when all was said and done,

before me; nothing remained,

just the wrapping of a packet of

Jammie Dodgers and the stains

of a bottle of Bordeaux,

evaporated I’d say; if you dared

asking

.

and when all was said and done,

silence […],

you did all the talking,

I kept my thoughts to myself,

mostly silent; troubled,

inherited thoughts on repeat,

a single on long-play; yes?

.

and when all was said and done,

I couldn’t shake it off,

grizzly glued to my soul,

the I behind the me;

stuck

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Anxiety, I guess, is a matter of definition,

I don’t have a good one so I say no,

I am not anxious; it is just a phase,

It will pass soon, nobody notices,

Only I can see the letters; awaiting,

Unopened and stacked; in piles so neatly,

Ring tones disabled; a bliss of silence,

An answering machine in a cloud; dead,

They ring a doorbell laughing out loud,

I refuse to open doors; unless agreed upon,

I am not anxious; it is just a phrase,

The emails you sent me will be read;

not just yet as I keep myself to myself,

Avoiding sharing to keep you safe,

You might worry for not knowing,

But telling; is opening,

A door long since locked,

Welded shut; and

Buried

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There is no blame; lingering,

Between the sheets; stained,

You might find it funny though,

Choosing between hands; and feet,

With a cockerel screaming; attention,

You might find it funny though,

My hands untouched; of other hands,

Counting decades; and more,

You might find it funny though,

I rather run; feet in motion,

Than stay another day; pretending,

There is no blame; lingering,

It is life; moving on

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Note to self: (this is a suggestion to self) [self being me/myself/I] … [suggestion being more of a reflection than actual suggestion] … [this is a note] … (sub-note to self: get on with it). I worry about yet another assignment that require me to go beyond that which is possible (in mind). Some would say think outside the box; but I don’t have boxes… In the corner of my eye I can see the outline, the plan, but turning my head it glides out of sight; unreachable. With time I thought I would get closer to my target but with each assignment I question myself more and more. Was this really a good idea? Was my assumption that ‘I can so anything’, wrong? Why do I worry about results? Why do I worry about feedback? Why; why; why?

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A Fallen Angel

You tied me down; ropes abound,

A fallen angel,

Bouncing balls; to please a crowd,

A fallen angel,

I shaved my lip,

You reveled your hips,

We shared the cream; and bathtub,

Frosty flakes; eyes awake,

Your river flowing; over,

A fallen angel; sinless dreams,

A fallen angel; out of batteries,

A fallen angel; I cannot please,

On the morrow; I hear in fading,

Lacquered boots; walking unsteadily,

Away

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Serendipity; I climb the tree,

No pegs; just grease,

Love; felt then; eek!

Serendipity; a dream

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God provide many options,

All free; to whom can see,

There are multiple beams,

In the attic of his church,

His mice; digging deep,

Let them feed; freely,

Their lungs filled with poison,

Exhausted by the fumes,

From engines revved,

In tight knit communities,

Swim shallow; swim deep,

The final breath; I keep,

Searching not for answers,

Today; my final sleep

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no one ever tells me,

of the wrongs I do,

the options I had,

the wrongs made … and,

I don’t even care,

ANYMORE; NO MORE; MORE,

I only see less,

by the day; less and less,

by night; squeaking beds,

I dream of squeak,

of you telling me

I am wrong

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I do not have thirteen reasons,
Seemingly excessive; a tad,
A quantity of one do suffice,
Easier to count on a hand with
Fingers; absent

I do not have thirteen reasons,
Nor a librarian to teach me how,
My words fit in to their world,
Between two sheets; of paper,
I seek refuge; without her

I do not have thirteen reasons,
But I have enough,
I have had enough,
Enough of all that is,
All that was; is not

I do not have thirteen reasons,
I do not have a neck; noosed,
A reason to give in; give up,
So why the struggle; straggle,
I keep asking; without hearing
anyone giving me; an answer

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